Humor, the Double-edged Sword

It’s been a very emotional week, full of highs and lows, and yes, some conflict. While i know i’ve said that healthy conflict is good, that it causes people to learn and grow, i’m feeling weary of it today. It’s probably due to being sick with tonsillitis, i’m exhausted.

Maximus came down this weekend, which was wonderful. We had a marvelous time! i haven’t blogged about that yet because i’ve been too tired to write, and now we’ve had some conflict and i need to write about that too. So i’m going to write about the conflict first and get it out of my system.

Last night Maximus had a dinner date with Lele–totally cool. He and Lele have been friends for years, played together with their respective spouses. Lele has been a great friend to Maximus during His divorce and He to her with some relationship issues she’s been having. They’ve not slept together for some time. She has, however, used His house to be with lovers when He was away. He and Lele have been talking about throwing a play party at Maximus’ house.

During dinner, i got a text from Maximus that as He predicted, Lele had decided to leave her husband. He added, “she is also getting into BDSM, too funny. I told her about you. She’s in the bathroom so will talk more later.” It was really so nice to hear from Maximus that He’d told Lele about me, as our relationship has been under wraps until recently due to divorce issues. i looked forward to hearing from Him later.

He texted again asking about the availability of two weekends in January for the play party. We settled on a date and exchanged my contact info with Lele so we could chat. When they were done, He texted that He had some errands to run but “lots to share” and would call me as soon as He was done running around.

An hour later, i got a picture text of something black on white marble that i couldn’t recognize that said simply, “trophy.”

 i replied, “Don’t understand.”

Maximus wrote back, “No sex but I got her underwear. Dom move. hehe.”

i felt my blood instantly drain. Dom move?!? She tells Him at dinner she’s into BDSM and He’s now Domming her?!? This violates one of the first rules in our contract–i am His only sub!

“YOU ARE NOT HER DOM,” i texted back furiously. i had inquired where that picture was taken and He’d replied, Crate and Barrel.

“Yes, my bad. Wrong very wrong term. Will explain in the car in a few mins. My poor attempt at humor.” Maximus replied.

“YOU BET IT WAS. It’s not funny and never will be. Do you get it,” i answered.

Maximus returned, “Yes, very poor humor. So so wrong of me.”

“But you did it anyway. And dommed her in Crate and Barrel. Dick move.”

“No, she left already. I took the pic there to be funny.” said Maximus.

Maximus told me He was going to call me from the car, which i told Him i would refuse to answer. It wasn’t that i didn’t want to talk about it, i refused to have this conversation with Him while He was driving. First, it’s not safe. Second, the connection is never good while moving, words get jumbled, calls get dropped, and it’s poor communication at best and extremely frustrating to me. Third, i want His full attention and don’t want Him multi-tasking and not using His entire brain for this discussion. So we had about 15 minutes of back and forth about this topic alone. He finally pulled over and parked in a parking lot to call.

i explained to Maximus that i felt so extremely hurt that He said that He’d Dommed Lele as it was an essential rule in our contract. The fact that it was made into a joke was even more hurtful, because i have the utmost honor for our contract and it means the world to me; using it as fodder for a joke made me feel like He didn’t respect our contract, our agreements, or our relationship. Furthermore, i was frustrated that while He has several pairs of trophy panties, none of them are mine and He’s never asked or taken any–i wondered why and felt hurt by the omission.

We had a lot of discussion. And it took a lot of work to make sure we stayed on topic, discussing THIS issue and not making His evening with Lele the issue. i had no problem with His dinner with Lele, i had issue with the text He sent and what that meant. He had not Dommed her, she had found a pair of panties in her coat pocket while they were at dinner and He asked to take them, as a joke. He was frustrated because He felt that by sending that text He had ruined the whole evening and wouldn’t be able to talk about anything they’d talked about at all. i assured Him that this was about the text. In fact if He made it into the whole evening and refused to talk about the rest of it later, i would be very upset and we’d have a whole new issue.

We resolved it and came up with some things to amend in our contract. It took quite a while to communicate. There was no yelling, again, so we’re applying lessons learned. And we’ve instituted a new rule of saying, “I/i love Y/you” at the start and end of each point of discussion. We took a break and He called back later so He could tell me about His evening, because i didn’t want it lumped into this discussion.

The thing is, these are exhausting. And i feel responsible for them. Maximus has told me over and over and over that 95% of the conflicts we will have will be because of something He’s done, not anything i’ve done. And i am just horrified by that statement–am i just that oversensitive to let anything go? Why would Maximus want to be with someone like that? i hate that it’s been me having issues with something He’s done, like i’m ruining a great thing. Why would He tie Himself to someone like that? He deserves better than a suspicious, oversensitive sub.

Categories: BDSM, communication, conflict, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, relationship, relationship needs, submissive | Leave a comment

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