Maximus and i had some excellent communication yesterday morning; we are both very proud of how it went and have a lot of appreciation for each other about it.
Now, i’ve written about Ms. W before, and i really hoped i was done with any issues or conflict surrounding her relationship with Maximus. So i was disappointed with myself that something came up again. At first, i thought i’d just let it go, not bring up another issue, but then i realized that it really was affecting me and if left unresolved, would recur and cause me to harbor bad feelings, which was not acceptable for me or Maximus.
i was happy to hear Maximus was getting together with Ms. W and had no problem with that whatsoever. We have talked extensively about their friendship, how it differs from ours, and i really do trust that Maximus loves me. i had no heartburn about this at all, and that’s important for me to point out.
Maximus and i texted all day. It was the day i was consumed with my Fantasies, and we had so much fun with that (Maximus texted that my list, numbers 1, 2, 4, 5, and 15 particularly aroused Him; 15 so much so that precum soaked His underwear to the point He had to change them! “you swimming with the balls inside you, well that was too too much not to think about. Ultra hot. Lava hot,” He texted.). i didn’t know the particulars of their plans, but knew they would be getting together that evening. at 7:30 PM, i sent Him a quick text, “Kisses sugar,” to let Him know i was thinking about Him, but never heard back.
i awoke at 1:30 AM and checked my phone, finding nothing. i tossed and turned, mostly irritated at myself that it was bothering me. you trust Him, get over it, i berated myself. i apparently fell back asleep until i was awakened by a work call at 3:30 AM (not unusual). i was still bothered. After thinking about it, i realized that i was not feeling bothered that He was with Ms. W, i was feeling bothered that when He is with her i don’t ever hear from Him, He’s off the grid. This made me feel two things in particular, first, that i felt He was so wrapped up in being with her that i left His mind, and second, that perhaps He didn’t contact me when He was with her because He didn’t want her to know where our relationship was, making me feel illegitimate, like a mistress to a man in a cheating affair–neither of which were acceptable. i knew those were my perceptions, and probably not the reality, but at any rate, this trend was upsetting for me, having occurred every time. To make it worse, i realized that when Maximus and i are together, it is not unusual for Him to text Ms. W or even call her, which hasn’t occurred for me when He’s with her. i thought back to other occasions when He was with other friends, family, or even work associates, and realized that this did not happen when He was with them, that He contacts me with those people, making this absence even more striking to me. Moreover, when i am with others, i always make sure that i check in with Him at some point, especially if i’ve been involved with a sexual partner–it’s important to me that He knows that He’s important to me. In fact, when Mountain Man and Sunflower were here, Maximus asked to Skype when i checked in with Him before going to bed to sleep, and i gladly got up and spent time with Him–it was important.
i realized that i really needed to talk to Maximus about my feelings. i texted Him at 4 AM asking to talk at 7 AM. It was the only way i could try to get some sleep, knowing that i had made a step to talk to Him about it, that i’d done something. i did toss and turn the rest of the night and ended up getting up at 5:30 AM to do some work stuff to occupy my mind.
i did have some epiphanies of thought, however, was able to clarify my issues, and worked out how i was going to organize my conversation with Maximus so that it was calm, clear, and non-threatening. i did not want a repeat of my yelling episode, which, i realize now, i have not blogged about. It was horrible for both of us, non-productive, and extremely embarrassing to have behaved so badly that time.
i need to fill in some background history about Maximus here. As i’ve noted, Maximus was married (actually legally still is, as divorce proceedings are ongoing…more on that in a second) when we first met. i disappeared from the swinging lifestyle scene for a year or so and in that time, Maximus and His wife (JB) met another couple, Ms. W and her husband, Covert Ops. The two couples hit it off and really progressed into a monogamous relationship together. However, JB and Covert Ops began a relationship together, pushing Maximus and Ms. W out; in fact, JB worked very hard to convince Maximus to make Ms. W fall in love with Him in order to maintain her love relationship with Covert Ops without hindrance. This did not occur.
Whenever the two couples got together, JB and Covert Ops would play completely separately from Ms. W and Maximus, going into a different bedroom, closing the door, and staying together, intimately, bareback, the entire time; JB never slept with Maximus when Covert Ops was around. Maximus endured intense pain and anguish of being cut off from JB in this manner, having the bedroom door closed between them, denied access to His wife while she was with another man. JB refused to change her behavior despite Maximus’ feelings.
Eventually, JB moved out of their home and into Covert Ops and Ms. W’s house when Ms. W was away, pushing Ms. W out. Both Maximus and Ms. W are going through divorce proceedings, which have been ongoing for over a year now, full of turmoil. Maximus and Ms. W are still friends, don’t have a love interest, but play together, enjoy each others company, and stay in touch with each other about their individual divorce proceedings. Much of their time together has been spent discussing specifics of their divorce cases, especially lately as Maximus’ process is coming to mediation and potentially trial.
While thinking about how i was feeling and how to convey this to Maximus, i discovered that by His going off the grid, i felt like i was being closed off from Him. Maximus and i sometimes struggle discussing interpersonal issues as i talk in regards to feelings and He talks in data (this is something we refer to as Blue and 8–He asks for 8, a number, something quantifiable, and i respond with Blue, a qualitative intangible). For me, it was a virtual bedroom door. i realized that we had a shared feeling, something concrete i could give Him that would help Him understand my feeling. And it wasn’t that i was taking His previous experience and throwing it back in His face, i realized i genuinely felt like this.
Both Maximus and i feel, as i’ve mentioned before (see Who’s Your Daddy?), that sleeping together, not sex, is extremely intimate. Our rules indicate that while we can have sexual relations with others, we shall NOT sleep with others. However, i have agreed to an exception to this rule, that Ms. W can sleep with Maximus, for several reasons. Ms. W and Maximus have had a longstanding friendship which has included sleeping together, but it is not out of a level of intimacy that Maximus and i share. She lives in a remote location over an hour away and it would be unacceptable to force her to drive home in the dark, alone, on dangerous roads (i truly do believe this). Maximus is NOT in love with her, and if sleeping together ever led to changing these feelings, Ms. W’s ability to sleep over would end immediately. While i have agreed to this exception, it is an inequity. i will never initiate a relationship that includes sleeping over, while Maximus does have this ability in this specific situation. Life is not equitable, relationships aren’t equitable, and this is life. However, there needs to be a balancing to help address inequities. For me, the way to balance our inequity is to have connection with Maximus while He is with Ms. W. I trust Him, completely, i just need the door to be open when He’s with her.
Maximus contacted me at 8 AM, as He had not checked His phone until then. i described to Him how His behavior made me feel, including relating it to the bedroom door. i was calm and organized and He listened (Maximus is very instant and verbal, i need processing time, and during our previous discussions, i’ve become frustrated about losing my ability to present my point when He starts talking during my presentation, which completely distracts me). When i was done, He acknowledged my feeling and apologized that His behavior had caused me such anguish, especially since He could completely relate to it. He told me that He and Ms. W had gone to dinner and discussed important matters regarding their divorce proceedings, but then spent the bulk of the remaining time discussing His relationship with me, in its entirety. Because so much time had been spent discussing us, it felt to Him, that i was included, and He did not realize that He had not actually been in contact with me. He was also not aware and did not know why He’d not contacted me while with Ms. W in the past, nor did He realize that there was an inequity there, and promised to change this, being more aware of my feelings. The image of the bedroom door was very acute to Him.
We both came away from this feeling respected and listened to. This relationship we have, Maximus and i, has the best level of communication i’ve ever had in a relationship, ever. It is something we both value and i love Him beyond measure for this. i know with certainty, that we could not successfully venture into BDSM without this level of communication and the trust that comes from it. No matter what happens in this adventure of BDSM, i know that our relationship, the thing that it most important and primary, has the building blocks to sustain. BDSM is just a piece, it is not our relationship–the relationship is key.