Monthly Archives: November 2012

Patiently Waiting

i’m being patient, i promise! i think i’ve been pretty good about it…five more days until i see Him! WooHoo!

He’s exhausted, been traveling non-stop for a month now, and it’s showing. He skyped me last night and He looked so haggard. i’ve never seen Him that exhausted before. My first words were, “Are you okay?” i seriously thought something was wrong.

i’m looking forward to being with Him, spending time together, but really looking forward to taking care of Him. He needs this. His friend, The Englishman, asked to come stay while i was there and Maximus asked him to wait until the last night i am there–i appreciated this, would never have asked Him to do that, and was very surprised by His decision, as He is such a caring and giving man that it’s out of His character to turn anyone down, especially friends.

“I’ve given enough to everyone lately. My time.” He texted.

i feel so cherished that i am part of His time. i don’t know if He knows how honored i felt by that statement.

Shortly after, He texted, “Even though we are not physically together I felt you have been with me all week.” i replied, “Because i have.” And it’s true, not a line. i can be patient, because we are always together, wherever we are, whatever we’re doing, and we both feel that.

…but it might have been the dozen red roses i had delivered to His room at the beginning of His last trip… ;o)

Categories: BDSM, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, relationship, submissive, togetherness | Leave a comment

ABCs of Love

i found something this evening that i’d forgotten i’d saved. It was a list that came in an email from a yahoo group i was subscribed to, and at the time, it was too painful for me to read as i was in the midst of recovering from a divorce. But, i knew that someday, this list might make me smile, so i held onto it. Today, this list made me smile. Today, He made me smile with a simple text, caught me completely off-guard and made me melt. i see Him in this list, i see us in this list.

A – Absolutely adore each other
B – Be best friends
C – Compromise
D – Discover new things together
E – Encourage each other
F – Forgive and forget
G – Gaze into each others eyes
H – Hold hands and hug a lot
I – Inspire and intrigue each other
J – Joke and laugh and have fun
K – Kiss Kiss Kiss 😉
L – Love with all your hearts
M – Marvel at each others talents
N – Nurture each others soul
O – Overcome problems together
P – Play games
Q – Quiet each others fears
R – Remember the little things
S – Say “I love you” everyday
T – Take time for tenderness
U – Understand and care deeply
V – Value everything you share
W – Wish on stars together
X – X-press your true feelings
Y – Yearn for each others touch
Z – Zzzzz in each others arms

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Expect the Unexpected

Oh Oprah, you have missed something for your Favorite Things list!

Oh my wonderful, beautiful, amazing Maximus, how He surprised me today!

i had ordered a pizza to be delivered for dinner tonight and when i answered the door i found not the pizza boy, but the UPS man with an unexpected package delivery for me. It was from Maximus! Inside were many wonderful things, including a G-spot vibrator (just like one that had been used on me at a recent swingers party that just drove me wild and Maximus adored watching me being pleasured with by two men), chained nipple clamps, gorgeous locking leather wrist cuffs lined with red satin, a strap-on harness, but the most amazing thing was a fox tail glass butt plug! Oh..My..Goddess! This tail is the softest, most beautiful, most sensual thing i’ve ever seen or felt in my entire life! i wanted to strip down in the kitchen where i opened the package and put it in, but then i realized my pizza should be arriving…and there was the doorbell!

The pizza box remained unopened on the counter and i ran upstairs with the foxtail to my boudoir. i lubed the glass plug and eased it into my ass…oooooh, that in itself is so wonderful, and then ran my hand down the luxurious length of the tail, letting it fall back silkingly against the back of my thighs. Heaven does not describe this.

i texted Him…”i’m breathless, i have the most beautiful tail.”

“This explains your text last week: Foxy Lady, Expect the Unexpected.

“OMG i want you here. i don’t want to remove it. love it. OMG.”

All i want is for Him to be here so i can rub my beautiful tail against Him, let Him spoon me to sleep like He does, with my tail against His cock, His hands on my breasts.

“i feel amazing. Can’t explain. Electric. And i didn’t think anything would surpass this morning’s feeling.” (more about this in a moment).

i take pictures in several positions, laying on my white fur rug, on my hands and knees looking between my legs at the tail hanging down, on my stomach with the tail draped over my thigh, standing in front of the mirror. i send pic after pic to Him. He is pleased. Then i try on outfit after outfit, enjoying how the tail looks peaking out from my hemline. It is heavenly!

i removed it only to pee. Will sleep with it tonight. Contemplating calling in sick to work tomorrow so i can wear it all day (i don’t have a job where it’d be ok to sneak that under my clothes all day, otherwise i would wear it for work), but as tempting as it is, i will leave the tail home and go to work and lust after it all day.

Maximus flogged and fucked me this morning before i left His house from a spontaneous overnight trip. Oh wow! He’d bought a large flogger with 1/2 inch wide strips of the softest, butteriest leather i’ve ever felt. He had me remove my pants and panties, leave on my knee high black socks and high heel black oxford shoes and lean over the couch. The new flogger makes a tremendous slapping noise but is so soft and gentle. He alternated using the new flogger with the smaller one He already had, which has narrow leather strips and a great sting. My legs trembled uncontrollably and jellied. i had orgasm after orgasm. i begged Him to flog me harder and He slowly increased the strength. Midway through He pulled off His jeans and slammed His cock inside my pussy and fucked me while still flogging my ass. Then He pulled out and rammed into my ass–Ahhh! i begged Him to pull my hair, and He flogged me, pulled my hair, and fucked my ass hard simultaneously, throwing me into subspace!

After He was finished, He pulled out, instructed me not to move, returned with a warm washcloth and cleaned my pussy and ass, rubbed down my butt cheeks. He smoothed lotion on my red buttocks, which intensified the sting as He discovered it contained isopropyl alcohol–this was amazing, felt like Tiger Balm or Icy Hot all over my ass. He stood me up and instructed me to get dressed and then giggled the most adorable giggle! i followed His instructions and dressed, and then He escorted me to my car. i didn’t regain my composure for 30 miles, in fact, was still dazed and jellied while fueling up my car during that first distance!

Freshly flogged ass cheeks

Oh my wonderful, beautiful, amazing Maximus. How it is my pleasure to serve you!

Categories: BDSM, butt plug, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, flogging, fox tail, foxtail, foxtail butt plug, submissive | Leave a comment

In Love with your Mind

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The Nightmare

i had the most horrible nightmare this morning. One where i awoke not sure if it was a nightmare or real. This was the morning after our talk i wrote about in Growing Pains. i got up and wrote it down for Maximus.

You were here staying before your trip today to Detroit. There was someone else here too, another friend of yours, a woman, wasn’t anyone i know but in my dream i knew her and liked her. She was sleeping in the guest room. It was last night and for some reason, R (my ex-husband) and his two kids, E and D, came over because E wanted me to give her $300 to pay for vet bills for a dog she had. i can’t remember why now. But all three of them came in. It was really late and we were in bed. D had a friend and they immediately came into the house and started looking around to see what had changed. In fact all of them did that. E needed to get the dog. D started into my room and i told him not to because i had company, but he did anyway. It was chaos. You got up and went to go talk to R, with a smirk on your face as if you were looking forward to having him see you there. i went back to telling E that i was not giving her money for a dog i didn’t own before, during, or after my marriage to her dad and that i didn’t cause him to see the vet. Again, i don’t know why, but i have the dog, which is not any dog we had when i was married to R. E went into the guest room where your friend was and it woke her up. We ended up getting them out of the house. i gave D money for something, but i can’t remember.
It was almost time for you to leave for the airport. You were upstairs talking on the phone to someone about your trip and kept saying “We” in context to everything they were asking about your trip. “We’re arriving at XXXX,” “We’ll be getting a car but we need to know where we need to go,” etc. i thought, “We?” You had a backpack on the table downstairs, and you had two tickets (they looked like tickets to a play, not airline tickets) on the table next to it, one was an airplane ticket and another was a ticket to the party you are going to. i opened your bag and there were two more tickets, another airline and another party ticket. i grabbed them and ran upstairs to where you were talking on the phone and started screaming at you and you got off the phone. “We?!? Who’s going with you?!? It’s Ms. W isn’t it!!” You got this smirk on your face. “Well of course,” you simply replied. “You are together aren’t you, have been all along! That’s why she has all your flight information!” You just kept smiling, laughing at me and started getting your stuff to leave.
i started to throw your stuff around. i imitated that i was going to tear up your tickets. The other woman friend started to laugh at me and how outraged i was. She knew all about your relationship with Ms. W and how i had no idea. i kept screaming at you all the things we’d done, what i’d done, how i trusted you and you just kept smirking. You kept telling me it was true, that you and Ms. W had been together all along and you did it in a way that i knew it was true, not mocking me about my accusation. The woman wanted two plates back, she’d gotten them out of the cupboard saying they were hers—they weren’t, they have giraffes on them and i’m telling her they were a gift to me from a friend, Gina, and she said, “Yes, my friend Gina gave those to me. (i don’t have a friend Gina)” i finally just stopped fighting with her about it and let her take the plates. She looked at you and started to laugh that she’d gotten them.
You both went out into the garage for your cars. Yours was on the street. She needed to back out and come back into the garage for some reason and i dropped the garage door purposefully on the car. My phone rang and it was R asking if i was ok, that he’d heard about what was happening. WTF? How could he know, i asked. He’d left a listening device on the counter when he’d been here and heard the whole thing. He wanted to know if he could come over. NO!!
Then i realized that i had been getting up that morning to drive to Seattle to give testimony in your divorce from a subpoena i’d received. i was supposed to work and had thought I’d just go to the courthouse while i was working but then I realized I had wrongly thought the meeting was in Portland. So i went into a closet and called in sick to work. When i got out, R was there. You were getting the garage door off the woman’s car and you were both laughing at me. i went to your car wanting to destroy it but realized i couldn’t, that you were on the street and i’d be arrested for it. i gestured like i was hitting it over and over with a baseball bat. You laughed as you got into the car and the two of you drove away out of the neighborhood. i yelled at you that good thing for me i was heading to give testimony that i had been subpoenaed for. Your face dropped and you immediately started to call your attorney and i regretted telling you about it as you’d forgotten and i lost my payback. You drove away.
i went back into the house realizing i needed to get moving to make my appointment in Seattle. When i got back in the house, R had removed my beautiful oven and replaced it with some old crappy one (i don’t have a free-standing oven, it’s a drop-in, i don’t know what this is about. It wasn’t my kitchen anyway and even the street wasn’t my street in my dream). i couldn’t believe it, “What are you doing?!?” yelled. “It’s an antique you bought, don’t you remember?” It was a piece of crap and i didn’t have time for it. i threw on clothes, telling him i was going to Seattle to testify and didn’t have time. He just smiled at me.
That’s when i woke up.

The dream bothered me–a lot. i was so shaken that i couldn’t go to the gym before work like i planned. i knew i needed to capture the dream right then because i’d lose important details later. i wrote it down and emailed it to Maximus. He had texted me while i was writing it to let me know He was at the airport for His trip. He’d had a dream too, that He’d been wearing a breathing mask that i wear for work but it wasn’t hooked up to air and it was hard for Him to breathe. He has a phobia about not being able to breathe. He wondered if they were related.

i’ve been thinking about the dream and then went to a website i like for dream interpretation. It was very interesting and not what i thought it meant on face value.

Smirk The smirk on His face throughout the whole dream was disturbing. It reminded me of a joker or jester, which is a symbol for being embarrassed.

Mask A mask is a symbol of struggling against jealousy.

Cheating Cheating dreams reflect intensity of sexual passion and actually serve as an affirmation of commitment but also fear of abandonment.

Dog A dog is a symbol of loyalty. Giving away a dog is a worry that someone think’s i’m being disloyal.

So it makes sense, that i’m embarrassed and worried that i think He thinks i’m jealous and will push Him away. His dream is probably struggling with thinking i am jealous. We shared these interpretations and agree. And, with this, i’m soooo done talking about the last day and a half’s discussions! It’s time to move on!

Categories: BDSM, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, dream symbology, nightmares, submissive | Leave a comment

Growing Pains

i wasn’t going to blog about this, but He mentioned how helpful my blogs are for Him, so i will. It’s not that i’m trying to hide anything, but it was intensely personal and, for me, painful like picking a scab.

It’s kind of ironic that a day after i wrote about our great conversation and contract we had an issue. And i was really frustrated about it. As i mentioned, Maximus has been traveling for work. We’d chatted during his trip back during His airport layovers, driving each other crazy about toys and scenes. i was working that night and He wasn’t due to be getting home til late after traveling all day, so while i hoped to hear from Him when he landed or got home, i wasn’t going to get upset if He just got home and crashed–i’d hear from him the next day.

By 8:30 the next morning i was a little concerned as He’s generally an early, early riser and i’d not heard from Him. i texted Him and He’d just gotten up. He had several teleconferences scheduled so we texted briefly and planned to Skype later. When we started talking, He apologized for not letting me know He’d arrived home, and i told Him it was ok–it was, and i told Him what i wrote about above on that topic. He talked about how tired he’d been, that He’d checked His phone for texts from me, and finding none, hadn’t texted me. Then after a bit He said, “Oh, I had a booty call last night!” “You, did?” i asked. “Yes, when I landed, Ms. W asked what I was doing and asked me to come over to her sister’s place, where she was. It’s literally 3.6 miles away from the airport! So we had some wine and talked and then we had sex, but I was so exhausted, it was probably way better for her than it was for me. Then I really needed to get some sleep, so I left and came home and was in bed by 10:30.”

Oh….i thought. And a million things started running though my head. What the hell? Hadn’t we just talked about this? Hadn’t He made a very clear point during our contract discussion about communication about texting or calling each other when we knew we were going to play with others or as soon afterward as possible when we had? And why did He let Ms. W know He had landed and not let me know? Obviously, being 3.6 miles from the airport He went directly there and not home and back, so that conversation was had at the airport. My heart was heavy. i thought, don’t overreact, think about this first. So we finished our conversation and i spent the rest of the day thinking about this, trying to be objective, going over our discussion again in my mind. He called me later and I’d gone to bed, just mentally spent. Fortunately He just wanted to tell me about a wonderful song He’d heard that night at an event that made Him think about His life and relationships with me and his adult kids. In fact, He started with “I just want you to listen to what I’m going to say,” and i was really glad for that, as i hadn’t sorted my feelings out yet and really didn’t want to talk.

In the morning, i’d had enough time to sort through my thoughts and really realized that i felt hurt and was confused. i felt it was really important for me to get my message out correctly so i wrote it in an email to Him, fearing my emotions would interfere with my ability to communicate my thoughts clearly. It is important to note that Ms. W has been a very special person in Maximus’ life. She is a dear friend and they have gone through some life-changing events together. They are intimate, have a sexual relationship, but Maximus has assured me throughout our little-r relationship as we’ve grown into a big-R Relationship, that their relationship is on the level of great friends who have sex and enjoy each other and intend to be friends for a long, long time, but are not on the higher level of intimacy and love as we are. It has been a process for me to understand their relationship and we’ve talked about it a lot, and i’ve come to understand it.

 To: Maximus

From: gabriella

Subject: Having a struggle

i’m having a struggle and i need to share it with you. i’m writing it because i need to get the words right. i’m struggling with reconciling in my mind your relationship with Ms. W due to some recent things.
While i had hoped to hear a quick note from you when you landed from your trip Wednesday night, we’d communicated a lot during the day and figured you’d be tired from a long travel day, and thought you might be pooped, head home, and crash. When we talked yesterday afternoon, i told you it was fine when it came up, but you then told me about your bootie call with Ms. W and it gave me some heartburn. i didn’t want to react about it immediately then, wanted to think about it before bringing it up. She obviously knew you’d landed, and i find that hurtful. i appreciate that you went home afterward, but we’d had a conversation the night before, brought up by you, about communicating these kind of things to each other as soon as possible. i didn’t hear about it until yesterday afternoon and that seems late to me. Given that we’d texted in the morning. i would have rather gotten a quick text that night that you were headed home after meeting Ms. W. i don’t care if it’s late. i don’t care if i don’t see it until morning.
i feel a bit disregarded in how this happened and i don’t want to carry that around, i’d rather tell you. i feel less important by not being the one you told you were home, that Ms. W got that information. And i’m confused by our conversation we’d had about communicating, perhaps i misunderstood it.
Please understand, i’m not jealous. This is not jealousy and i don’t know how to convey that stronger. Ms. W is very often the last person you see when you go on a trip and the first person you see when you return. i don’t have the same opportunity and i don’t get to see you as much. These things cause me to question the relationships and how we fit in them, and the strength of them. It interferes with my ability to distinguish differences between them.
i’m not saying that you shouldn’t see her. i’m communicating my struggles with this, it’s only fair that you know. i felt left out and less important. i’m sure it was not your intention.
i worry that i risk pushing you away by having this conversation, but it’s important that i share my feelings with you.
I love you.

Maximus Skyped me in the afternoon. He started out by apologizing for not communicating like He’d said He would, that He’d totally messed that up. And then He immediately moved on to talking about a new flogger He’d purchased and wanted to send me a picture of it. What!?!? i thought, that’s it, that’s what you got from my email? After He’d texted me the pic He asked, “Are you ok?” and i said, “No, i’m not.  i don’t think we talked about my email at all.” He started in on again apologizing for not letting me know He was home and of course Skype started acting up. “This isn’t working,” I said…meaning Skype. “What!?!? Wait, how it is not working?!? Note…poor choice of words when discussing relationship stuff and having technology problems! i told Him to call my phone because it was too distracting to deal with Skype issues when we really needed to talk.

“You’ve apologized about the communication issue, but we need to talk about Ms. W,” i started. “This is not about Ms. W,” he said, recalling a conversation we had several months ago where He thought an issue i had was about Ms. W and it wasn’t. “It is about Ms. W this time,” i assured Him. We went back an forth about that for a minute when i finally stopped him, “This absolutely is about Ms. W and let me tell you why.”

My problem with what happened is that it appeared that Ms. W got priority notification that He was at the airport and i didn’t hear anything. In fact, i didn’t hear from Him at all until i texted Him later the next morning. This made me question the nature of their relationship and the nature of our relationship. During the conversation, He noted that He hadn’t contacted her but that she contacted Him, having gotten all of his flight details, including flight numbers and times, three weeks ago from Him. “What!?! i don’t even have that! This is exactly what i’m talking about, why i feel i don’t understand where i stand!” i exclaimed, now crying. “Well she asked and i gave it to her,” he responded. “It has nothing to do with priority.” “I can fix this, you will be on my itinerary list and will get automatic copies of my itineraries by email. Only one other person gets those, my daughter.” “That’s not the point,” i quietly continue.

i realize he’s looking at the things, the lapse in notification, an itinerary, that i’m not communicating my issue. “I don’t feel important. When Ms. W gets your response first when you land, when she has all your flight information and i don’t, it confuses me in how my relationship with you is different than hers. i thought we had a committed relationship, maybe i misunderstood what that meant.” He responded, “Have I told Ms. W I loved her?” “I’M NOT HER, I CAN’T ANSWER WHAT CONVERSATIONS YOU’VE HAD WITH HER AND WHAT YOU’VE TOLD HER!” i was horrified at the question, it felt so unfair to be asked to put words in his mouth, relay conversations i’ve never been privy to. Hot tears streamed down my face. “I’ve never told her I loved her, only you, you’re the only one. You’re the only one who knows the deepest things about me. She doesn’t know about Nancy (a woman He’d met on a relationship site who, after a brief, highly sexual couple of weeks freaked out when she saw His large stash of condoms, assuming He was only seeing her), if she asked I’d tell her, but I don’t share everything with her like I do you. You’re the only one I share everything with, want to grow old with.” He continued about more details about their relationship and ours. “i just feel like i’m on dangerous ground asking about Ms. W,” i said. “What? No! To whom? Not with me! Why would you feel that way?” he inquired. “Because i don’t want to push you away by asking about her,” i replied. “That is your fear and it’s not gonna happen, baby, even if you want it to.” This all satisfied me…to a point.

There’s something that’s been eating at me the last week and i planned to bring it up when we were together next in two weeks. “i have to ask you something. Does Ms. W know that our relationship has changed?” Long pause. “I don’t know.” “Why not?” i asked. “I don’t understand why that matters.” He answered. “It matters hugely to me. i don’t think it’s fair to her and i don’t think it’s fair to me. i feel invisible,” i said. “Ms. W is a smart woman, she knows I’m spending a lot of time with you and I’m sure has figured it out.” i’m having trouble conveying what my issue is again. My fear is that she is operating under an assumption that she and He have or may have in the future when her divorce is final, a committed relationship.There are things that make me feel this way, including a past instruction from Maximus’ now ex-wife to make Ms. W fall in love with Him and she replied, “Don’t say that, we’re both married to other people and don’t love each other.”; several years of time together; feelings i’ve gotten from her when she and i have been together; and things she told me that differed from what she told Him. We had a lot of discussion about this. He’s still not sure how that is important to discuss with her, will think about how to do this, and i’m going to be patient and trust that i don’t have to worry about this, that He’s committed to me.

In my work to explain my feeling about this, i compared how people in my life know about Him and how it is important to me that they know. i explained, “The Seal and the Doctor, my mom and friends know i’m in a committed relationship with you. It’s important to me that the other people i play with know the distinction in our relationships.” He responded, “Yes, it’s time for you to meet my kids. We’ll do that next time you’re up. That’s a big step.” Oh no, that’s not what i meant!! “i’m not asking you for that, not asking you to introduce me to your kids, that’s not what this is about!” i’m frustrated. i don’t feel ready to meet them when i’m feeling so incredibly insecure at the moment. He continued “Swim Guy (His best friend) knows you…” “No He doesn’t,” i interrupted, “He thinks i’m some lesbian chick who came to watch you compete, He has no idea who i am!”

i try to have Him be in my shoes and see it from my perspective. “I’m so confused,” He continued. “We’re speaking two different languages. You are talking feelings and i need concrete. I’m asking 8 and you’re saying Blue and they don’t correlate. i can’t remember exactly what i said, but i was beyond frustrated. “Ok, here’s concrete for you then. i don’t feel important because no one knows i’m an important person in your life! And i feel i’m on dangerous ground here talking about Ms. W and risk pushing you away.” There is a pause for us both to breathe. “You’re not running away. You’re not pushing me away. You’re not pissing me off. I want you to talk to me about these things. These are all fixable.”

We talked some more about things we’d do, including communication, not being fearful of talking, eventually meeting people in each others’ lives, trusting our commitment, and not letting past baggage overly color our relationship. We’d talked for a long time and i was emotionally spent; He needed to complete an errand so we said our goodbyes. He called back 10 minutes later and the break had done us good. We were able to conclude the conversation to our mutual satisfactions. We’re waiting on meeting His kids, which is good. i feel somewhat overwhelmed at the moment with our relationship growth and want to really be comfortable and secure when i meet His family. i know we will be talking a lot when i’m up there next and that’s just not going to be the right time to introduce me.

Don’t misunderstand, i’m thrilled at our relationship and where its at. It’s just not anything i ever expected ever again in my life, has caught me unaware. Sometimes i have a hard time believing it’s true because it is so good and so unexpected. Growing pains of love.

Categories: BDSM, conflict, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, submissive | Leave a comment

If You are Going to Fall in Love With Me…

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, and my tendency to jump to conclusions. You fall in love with my troubled past, my unrealistic hopes and dreams, and the fact that i seriously believe they could come true. You fall in love with my wild temper, my illogical thought process, and how i’m a hopeless romantic at heart, despite my feminist views.

If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-doubt, all my imperfections, and my perception that nobody could ever love me. You fall in love with the history that has caused me to think this way. But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when i’m with you, the way i’ll text you in the mornings just to tell you i hope you have a great day, and at night, to wish you sweet dreams. You’re falling in love with the occasionally thought-provoking things i say, and the silly things i do in an attempt to see you smile. You are falling in love with the way i blush when people ask me about you, and how i’ll hold your hand, even if we’re fighting.

But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

– unknown

Categories: BDSM, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, insecurities, poem, submissive | Leave a comment

Contractually Speaking

As i stood in the shower this morning recalling Maximus and i going over the details of our contract last night i thought, “Why doesn’t everyone make relationship contracts? Why have i never done this before?” The experience was so amazing, so enlightening, opened up so many areas of conversation that we’d not had, and cemented other topics we’d discussed. It sounds so unromantic, a contract, but it feels like one of the most romantic things i’ve ever done in my entire life. And important.

The specific details of our contract are private, between He and i, but i will share our process, basic format. We used the contract out of Fifty Shades of Grey as a guideline. i know much of the BDSM community aren’t necessary fans of this series, but it did offer an example for us when drafting our personal contract. Our contract is NOT that contract, is different, personalized to us, our experience, our comfort levels. We also looked at other contracts on the internet and BDSM activities lists and incorporated them into it.

The BDSM activities list included about 50 different activities and i went through the list first, on my own,  indicating whether i had ever participated in the activity and then rating my interest in engaging in that activity on a scale from 0-5:

  • 0 = I have no interest/don’t like this, but would do it to please you.
  • 1 = Not very interesting/don’t really enjoy this too much.
  • 2 = This is OK.
  • 3 = This is nice/fun/interesting.
  • 4 = I really enjoy/think I’ll enjoy this activity

and could combine this with:

  • NO = Hard limit. I will not participate in this activity at all, at this time.
  • ? = Unfamiliar with this activity.
  • + = I’m scared of this but would possibly like to explore it.
  • ! = I’m embarrassed to admit I like this.

And then made any comments after that i felt were relevant.

After i sent it to Him, he did the same for each item on the list and returned it to me. We later went over the list together, line by line and discussed each item. Sometimes we had misunderstood the activity or modified the activity in order for acceptable limits for both of us. It was really fascinating and brought up some exciting fantasy talk too!

We discussed the contract over Skype, as He was traveling for business and as noted in my previous blog entry, we really wanted to get the contract settled as soon as possible so we could proceed. We went over that line by line together.

What i learned about Maximus during this process:

  • He is very protective and concerned about my well-being. This absolutely is NOT about hurting me but allowing me to love Him by giving myself to Him fully and He to derive pleasure by lavishing attention and care upon me in complete trust. This is a tremendous gift that we are giving each other and sharing together–something we won’t share with anyone else. Considering that we will continue to be involved with the swinging lifestyle together and separately, this is a HUGE thing.
  • He derives a huge amount of pleasure from my touch and gaze, to the point where the traditional protocol of a submissive not looking at or touching their master until instructed to do so was vehemently unacceptable to Him. i found this fascinating and thrilling. i would have been willing to avert my gaze and wait for His orders to touch Him, had He desired this, but love that He so values that about our relationship together.  
  • He was adamant about ensuring that our Dominant/submissive relationship was controlled, not to take over our entire relationship. It was important to Him that we had triggers to indicate when we were within the D/s roles for He wanted to ensure that i had equal footing as He valued that and my ability to speak and act freely in our relationship as a whole. 
  • While we both wish to continue our swinging lifestyle and even incorporating BDSM within it, it was important for both of us to distinguish our relationship as a priority from other sexual relationships we have. He shared some changes He was going to make in regards to this, which surprised me, things i wouldn’t have asked Him to do, but as He discussed them with me, i appreciated the gravity of them to an enormous degree. They are little things but BIG things. We also talked about communicating about those we are playing with, checking in, and what limits we had with other relationships.
  • Our level of communication was also written into our contract, a philosophy of “over-communication,” and includes full access and disclosure on electronic accounts and websites, calendars, etc. He was very passionate about this, and has been since our relationship became serious. This is not something i’ve had in previous relationships and i cannot reiterate enough the level of trust and appreciation i have for Him.

i love that we have the contract, not for the sake of the contract, but for bringing us together to communicate about things that others don’t, things that they make inaccurate assumptions about that later become huge rifts. i’m submissive but not a Polyanna…i know we will find things along the way that we haven’t talked about, things that will push against our boundaries, assumptions we’ve made, things we’ve talked about but misunderstood, and will undoubtedly have issues come up about them. But, we have a framework to talk about these things and, if needed, a contract we can amend to address them. And, most importantly, a commitment to each other in making this work.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM list, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, submissive | Leave a comment

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