Uncomfort…

i’m a little taken aback, had a little earthquake. i thought we were on the same path.

i worry now that perhaps i was wrong in thinking that. am waiting for His call to talk about it.

He is traveling for business, two timezones away, and texted me this morning to visit. i shared with Him news one of our swinging lifestyle couple friends, the male half of which (let’s call him Mountain man) texted me last night and we visited about our weekends and getting together again soon. This is a couple we’ve played with together and separately and have very much enjoyed. It is also a couple that He has mentioned getting together with so He can learn rope bondage technique from, so not a couple that won’t be aware of our new adventure into BDSM.

Mountain man was very excited to share about his experience this weekend, flogging another female playmate. He also had some specific requests for the next time i would be with him and his mate (let’s call her Sunflower). Specifically, he wanted me to peg him wearing a strap-on while he fucked Sunflower and inquired if He (my Dom) would like to watch it, to which i replied, “Of course! And He’ll probably want to touch and play with Sunflower and me as well.” He went on to say that he and Sunflower were starting to explore their “kinkier side.” Remembering our plans to get together with this couple for rope bondage, i mentioned to him that i’d been flogged this weekend as well, having been a good girl, and that we were doing the same, working on our contract and had gone through my sub list. He wanted to know more, wanted to know my limits, etc, but my Dom and i had not talked about sharing that and i said i needed to talk to Him before sharing anything further.

i texted Him about this, to which He replied, “Need to be careful don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.” Oh…my heart dropped immediately into my stomach.

“What do you mean about getting ahead of ourselves?” i carefully asked.

“Poor choice of words. Brain moving too fast for fingers,” He texted.

i was still rocked and really needed to know what this was. “Ok. Rephrase so i understand?”

“you and I need to finish our contract so we are perfectly aligned. That’s what I meant,” He replied.

i had finished revising our contract before He came this past weekend, but we ran out of time to go over it. i’d sent Him a version prior. We’d talked a lot about everything, i thought, including going over my sub list, so i thought we WERE on the same alignment. Now i’m nervous. Has something changed?

i sent Him a copy of the contract, and then a revision later after i realized the sub list wasn’t in it and there were some edits to make based on our weekend’s conversations.

He did text that He couldn’t wait to Skype later.

i’m trying to be hopeful. What if we aren’t aligned? What if we can’t negotiate the contract? i thought we’d started already this weekend and that the contract was, in essence, agreed upon. What if there is a dealbreaker in our negotiation and we cannot come to terms with it? i’ve already given myself completely to Him, body, soul, and heart, based on this assumption. What happens to our relationship if we cannot agree now?

Clearly i am lacking some patience and discipline.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM list, D/s, discipline, Dom/sub, Dominant, patience, sub list, submissive | Leave a comment

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