There are days that become turning points in our lives, our relationships. Sometimes it takes retrospection to determine the day that changed our course, other times, we know instantly. Today is a turning point, and i knew it the instant it happened.
Today i became gabriella. Well, to you. i am something else, something special and unique to Him. i’ve not yet heard him speak my new name, i must wait, and i am impatient about it. It is something only i will hear from His lips and it will make me His.
i am to be his submissive, He is to be my Dominant. It started simply enough, an email from Him from the other side of the planet, literally, to update me that He was coming home, that He was reading a Dom/sub book I recommended to Him months before.
Hummm. Maybe we should write up a contract. Hummmm.
My heart flew forward and crashed into the front of my chest! i copied a contract with edits and emailed it to Him. My panties are wet, the images evoked in my mind are incredible. i want Him home. Now.
How is it that my heart feels the distance between here and where you are in Europe when the space shouldn’t feel any different than when you’re at home and I’m here? Miss you intensely.
He emails his dream…we are at a swingers lifestyle party
Just after dinner and before dessert we excuse ourselves. We return and you are naked with only boots on. You are blindfolded and your arms are tied behind your back. People can talk to you but you cannot respond without first asking me for permission. If we could get a wig, long hair, of course, that would be great, maybe blonde or red hair. If you disobey, a quick paddle reminds you that this is not acceptable behavior. I explain to the group as I walk you around that they may as ME directly if they can touch you. I may choose to insert some items into you in front of everyone. YOU cannot cum.
After walking you around we got into the center of the room. You drop to your knees on a big covered area. I then place several bottles of body paint around you. I then ask for anyone to come over and write/draw comments on your beautiful body. Certain words, like “whore” are not allowed and we will need you to provide a list to the group. The group will finish dessert during this event. I will also have a bucket of ice cubes that might be used. If the paint comes off with the ice then it will be used later. After your beautiful body is covered I will of course take some pictures.
All of the men will be asked if they would like to have their dicks sucked and you will, of course, do that. Balls deep, of course. Gagging on cocks is encouraged. Oh you will, of course, be begging to be allowed to cum. The normal evening activities will then start, if anything could be normal after this.
i want this.
He’s on a plane back to the US and out of reach. i can’t stop thinking about this. i can’t stop wanting Him. my heart feels like it will explode in my chest, swollen with love for Him, stealing my breath. i write. i write how much i want this, to be His. i warn him that this will change us forever, He will have my total devotion.
I have lots of thoughts, lots of questions. I am wet, excited, distracted, not fearful.
We have lots to discuss. I’m starting to write things down. I do want to know how you desire this to be. I want to know about the dark side that concerns you. I want you to know about my flaws and dark side as well.
We will be reworking the contract together. I’d edited it to be not Dom/sub but our conversations have changed since then.
I want you to know what excites me about this, as it is on many levels, sexuality is only a part of it, perhaps less than the nonsexual. I want you to fully understand what this would mean to me and my relationship with you. I want to know that this change is acceptable to you. You are touching something very deep and vulnerable inside me. I’ve not shared much of this with anyone, including spouses, because they did not understand what I needed in our relationship, in fact they misunderstood me to the point that I could not stay because I did not feel cherished, adored, desired, or respected. They felt I needed to be in control of everything, which was entirely wrong. I need to be scared to fight and overcome. I am happiest serving others. My job fits me because of this, I can be absolutely terrified and be strengthened into action to serve others—it’s not at all what people think. I am a perfectionist and I hate making mistakes, that fear pushes me and looks like control to others.
Please know that I will get scared and I will run…you’ve seen this already. My family will tell you about occasions that I did this growing up. It is my dark demon. I will need you to chase me, to come get me, wrap yourself around me, lay with me, hold me, stroke me and reassure me, wipe my tears. I need to know that you can do this, that you can handle that. I will come back and will be stronger. I will push and question and need your reassurance. I am being completely honest about this because this is the thing that has destroyed relationships, my inability to keep from poking and questioning, causing a fracture that requires communication and devotion to repair something that seemingly wasn’t broken. I do this knowing the consequences, but am unable to stop myself even though I wish I could, knowing there will be punishment/discipline/hurt. I look for hurt so I can be reassured. As a sub I will be the same, you will have to discipline me and then adore me, I will need it as a reassurance of your devotion. I will struggle and submit. I need to trust that I won’t be taken advantage of, however, so telling you all of this is an extreme act of vulnerability.
I crave this submissive crawling back and I need someone strong enough to help me. You did not disappear from me when this happened, in fact I felt our relationship grow. I do not do this maliciously, I do not decide, “today I’ll push buttons,” it happens and I cannot control it. It does not happen frequently, but it does occur, as you’ve experienced. This is the part that made me scared about Growing Old Together. I will be completely devoted but I will poke you. No one has been strong enough for that.
I want to be yours. I want you to have me, train me, let me serve you. I wish to serve you and be trained. I want your permission to continue to play with others separately and together. I will always be yours, even while I play. I need to know that I am yours when you play with others separately, that you are devoted to me and my service and that this relationship is unique to you and me. I would want this to be a primary relationship to those. I will panic and be devastated if I think someone else has a relationship with you such as mine. I must be your only sub, you will be my only master.
I do not wish to be demoralized. I had “humiliated” there but in reading about what humiliation in Dom/sub is, it seems I participate in acts of humiliation with you already (begging, blindfolds, masterbating for you, licking my own cum off you, golden showers, etc). Demoralizing might not be the right word either. We will need to go through lists and mark what I find humiliating, I guess. I have found several online.
I will need your complete honesty and openness in return. I cannot handle being shutout whatsoever. The worst thing for me is to be punished by someone not talking to me when I desperately need to talk about our relationship or situation. It is a red limit for me as I become incensed and it humiliates me.
This is something I carry with me…it’s from Eat, Pray, Love and hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it. I was married to C at the time and it has related to every relationship I’ve had.
I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.
This is of the utmost importance that you understand about me. I have recovered from R by becoming infatuated with MYSELF—I fell in love with me. You are risking my total devotion to you and you need to be ready for that. I think you can see my relationship with R in that passage, I know I can distinctly. What this doesn’t say, is that the men I’ve chosen are not strong are not devoted and adoring, and have taken my energy without replenishing it, or rather, I chose men who did not give me energy. After my relationship with R, my response to this was to decide to guard my heart, not fall in love, and to never marry again. I am wanting to let down my shields for you and you are the first man to know about my permeable membrane. I cannot enter dom/sub with my shields up, it won’t work. I will need energy and time and love back from you in large amounts. I want this to be you.
I don’t want this to scare you. I want to be as honest about myself as possible. It seems jumbled, I know.
I have questions, will write them as well. I wanted to start with information about me, my dark side, in case that was a deal breaker. I hope it’s not.
Lastly, I need my own identity. I don’t want to be called Miss Steele, Anastasia, or Ana. You may decide what that will be. I will call you whatever you wish to be called other than Christian or Mr. Grey, as you are not him.
Submitted on my knees [per his IM]